Having your child forcibly separated from parents can induce anguish, despair, guilt, blame and depression in the parents — all powerful negative emotions that disrupt how they can learn life skills.
This includes how to cope well with adversity, being resilient, not experiencing depression or anxiety. Unquestionably, for parents, there are few events as traumatic as being separated from their children. In our research we have documented powerful negative consequences for children of being raised by parents who are experiencing these negative emotions deeply and for a prolonged period of time.
Such children themselves have higher rates of depression and other forms of maladaptive behavior, and have difficulty recovering from stressors and regulating their emotions appropriately. This is a vicious cycle that we must try to end. Oriana Skylar Mastro has built two careers simultaneously: one as an academic, the other, as a service member in the U.
Air Force. To commemorate Veterans Day, wreaths will be placed in Memorial Court and Memorial Auditorium, along with a letter from President Marc Tessier-Lavigne, to honor members of the university community who have served or are serving in the U. Armed Forces. Children with poorly adjusted custodial parents are at much higher risk of faring poorly citations in Kelly Children are more likely to fare well when the custodial parent is in good mental health, has good social supports and has good child-rearing skill, i.
Wallerstein ; see citations in Amato , Hetherington , Buchanan et al. Another recent study has shown that children in lone-parent families whose mothers discipline consistently and accept their child—the two key features of authoritative parenting—have fewer internalizing e. The custodial parent's consistent and accepting parenting therefore seems to buffer children against adverse effects from other sources of stress, such as economic hardship.
Children who perceive low acceptance and less consistency from parents become more vulnerable to stress, and the children perceiving low acceptance and consistency who experience many stressors are the most vulnerable of all Wolchik et al. Existing research offers no consensus on the importance of children's ongoing relationship with their non-residential parent, typically the father see citations in O'Connor ; Kelly Most large-scale studies using a national database have found no relationship between frequency of access parent's visits and child adjustment Kelly However, several studies report positive outcomes for children in cooperative, low-conflict families in which fathers are involved with their children citations in O'Connor , and in Kelly Children are more likely to fare poorly with fathers' ongoing access in certain high-conflict families, especially boys in these families O'Connor One meta-analysis of 57 studies also found that more recent studies of father-child contact provide stronger evidence of the father's impact on children's adjustment than do earlier studies Amato and Gilbreth , cited in Kelly The overview of largely British studies concluded that continuing contact with the non-residential parent may benefit children's adjustment, but there is no simple relationship with frequency of contact Rodgers and Pryor The ongoing involvement of non-residential parents with their children does seem to be clearly linked to their academic achievement.
Children's academic functioning declines less when fathers are involved with the child's school and schoolwork after separation McLanahan , cited in Kelly Children of divorce are also less likely to earn a university degree, in part because parental aspirations for educational achievement increase for adolescents in never-divorced families, but decrease for adolescents in divorced households McLanahan , cited in Kelly The California study also found that the divorced fathers were often unwilling to fund their children's post-secondary education, especially if they had remarried and had other children Wallerstein and Lewis A growing body of literature affirms that post-separation conflict among parents increases children's risk of poor outcomes.
Children whose parents remain hostile and aggressive, locked in ongoing high conflict are more likely to have behavioural problems, emotional difficulties and social difficulties Johnston They are also more likely to lack self-esteem Kelly The risk of poor outcomes increases when spousal violence is involved, and rises even higher when the children are abused Johnston Even so, studies have found that overall adjustment scores for most children of chronically-litigating, high-conflict post-divorce families also fall in the normal range Johnston et al.
Longitudinal studies have found that some difficulties observed in some children of divorce existed prior to divorce e. Elliott and Richards , cited in Kelly , suggesting that the factors producing these difficulties may pre-date the divorce or separation. The recent analysis of British studies concluded that family conflict before, during and after separation can be stressful for children. There is no agreement about whether children's maladjustment resulting from parental conflict is largely a result of conflict during the marriage or after its break-up Rodgers and Pryor Divorce and separation often produce a substantial decline in the children's standard of living, increasing economic instability and stress in the custodial home.
These changes intensify the stress of separation's disruptiveness for children and affect their long-term adjustment Kelly ; citations in Amato Studies have shown that custodial mothers' incomes drop by an average of 30 percent in the United States after divorce Lamb et al. In Canada, incomes of women who separated from their spouses in the mids dropped an average of 23 percent during the first year adjusted for the number of people they had living with them , and by the end of the first year, single mothers' average incomes were 31 percent less than their pre-separation income Galarneau and Sturrock One U.
More recently, it has been estimated that the economic problems of divorced households account for as much as half of the adjustment problems seen in divorced children McLanahan , cited in Kelly Another study found that divorced children's poorer showings on 27 out of 34 outcomes, dropped to 13 when income differences were taken into account Guidubaldi et al. Custodial mothers also experience high rates of job instability and changes in residence in the first three years after the separation McLanahan and Booth , cited in Bray and Hetherington Many mothers move to poorer neighbourhoods, with fewer services and supports.
Children are pulled away from their friends, other social supports and familiar surroundings. Access parents may also move to different neighbourhoods, with similar, if less harmful, results for the children. The results of the cross-sectional research suggest that long-term adjustment of children of divorce is best fostered by programs that help their parents' adjust, address social and economic stressors, reduce inter-parental conflict and recurrent litigation over custody and access, and foster cooperative post-separation parenting arrangements with strong ties between children and both their parents.
However, as indicated earlier, the links between children's acute distress during parental separation and their long-term adjustment have yet to be fully explored. For example, the more acute a child's distress, the more difficult it may be for the mother to recover her own equilibrium and maintain positive relationships with her child Wolchik et al.
Other research also indicates several ways in which children's own responses to the separation and later circumstances can affect their adjustment. This research provides a rationale for specific programs for children during parental separation, and in later years.
Prominent researchers agree that children who do not rebound from their initial distress and difficulties at the time of their parents' separation, or during subsequent critical events, can be expected to face difficulties later on, often in adulthood Lamb et al. Qualitative researcher Judith Wallerstein has developed a list of six "tasks" that children must accomplish during the separation period and after, in order to stay on their developmental paths and mature into well-adjusted adults Wallerstein Children need to complete the following tasks regardless of the number and kind of external stressors in their post-separation family arrangements:.
In Wallerstein's view, high priority should be given to ensuring that parents' and children's acute distress responses to separation and divorce do not consolidate and become chronic Wallerstein , making them harder to root out later.
The tasks fall in a sequence with varying time spans for each. The first two tasks, for example, should be mastered immediately to maintain the child's academic and developmental progress Wallerstein These tasks have become the basis of many of the programs currently providing support to children experiencing parental separation and divorce see e.
Fischer Clearly, children need cooperation from family and environment to accomplish some of these tasks. For example, parents who continually engage their children in their intense conflicts, or in family violence or bullying, will make it virtually impossible for the children to resume their cognitive, emotional and behavioural development at school and elsewhere. Similarly, parents who blame their children for the separation, or for their own failure to recover emotionally from the rupture, will make it extremely difficult for their children to stop blaming themselves.
Interventions may be needed to help children get back on their development pathway in spite of their parents' negative influence. Parents and outsiders may also be positive forces in helping children accomplish these tasks.
For example, parents and outsiders can successfully reassure small children that they are not responsible for the separation and that they are still loved Hodges Interventions may therefore be able to help children accomplish all these tasks, especially during the period of parental separation. Research also suggests that children in difficult post-separation circumstances may be able to offset the effects of some stressors by increasing their coping skills and their resilience to adversity.
Much of this research has focussed on children in high-conflict families. Early studies on high-conflict post-separation parenting indicated that all children in such families were at risk of poor long-term adjustment. The more distracted children are, the more likely they are to not be able to focus on their school work. Research has suggested divorce can affect children socially, as well. Children whose family is going through divorce may have a harder time relating to others, and tend to have less social contacts.
Sometimes children feel insecure and wonder if their family is the only family that has gotten divorced. Through divorce, children can be affected by having to learn to adapt to change more often and more frequently.
New family dynamics, new house or living situation, schools, friends, and more, may all have an effect. Divorce can bring several types of emotions to the forefront for a family, and the children involved are no different.
Feelings of loss, anger, confusion, anxiety, and many others, all may come from this transition. Divorce can leave children feeling overwhelmed and emotionally sensitive.
Children need an outlet for their emotions — someone to talk to, someone who will listen, etc. In some cases, where children feel overwhelmed and do not know how to respond to the affects they feel during divorce, they may become angry or irritable. Their anger may be directed at a wide range of perceived causes.
Children processing divorce may display anger at their parents, themselves, their friends, and others. These convey the message that we are still a family — a very reassuring message for children.
Parents can also strengthen their bonds with their children at the same time that they are helping them to become resilient by conveying a positive sense of hope about the future and reinforcing a message of enduring, unconditional love for their children.
Another important way that parents can strengthen their relationships with their children is to avoid rushing into new relationships. While it is understandable that divorcing parents long to have a loving new partner, entering such relationships too quickly can come at great cost to their children.
The issues are compounded when the new partner also has children. Many children express an enormous sense of loss, and they may fear being replaced when their parent is suddenly focused on a new love. Taking new relationships slowly and allowing children time to adjust to the divorce before adding more changes benefits children and new relationships. The Stress in America survey conducted by the American Psychological Association reveals the disconnect between what children experience and what parents think they experience.
Recent neuroscience research has shown that naming emotions calms the amygdala, increases activity in the prefrontal cortex, and helps develop neural pathways for managing strong emotion, problem solving, rational thinking and good judgment. Children often need time and space to share their hidden feelings, and they are most likely to do so if they believe their parents will listen to them openly and without judgment.
How parents manage their own strong emotions and go about ending their marriage and creating a new way of life makes a major difference for their children. It is imperative that parents learn how to control conflict that is verbally or physically hostile, frequent, intense or focused on the children — the kinds of conflict that are most damaging to children.
Exposure to domestic violence and abusive behaviour is especially toxic to children. There are a number of techniques that parents can use to protect children from the toxic effects of intense conflict. Among these are reframing their relationship into a respectful, business-like partnership for parenting. In high-conflict situations, parallel parenting in which parents have limited contact is often preferable to co-parenting in which parents interact and communicate frequently.
Mediation has been shown to be an effective way to resolve conflict as an alternative to litigation in divorce proceedings. A follow up study found that 12 years after mediation, parents were better able to co-parent and contain and resolve conflict than a litigation control group. Preventive interventions have been shown to have a positive impact on children and parenting.
Programs such as the Children of Divorce Intervention Program CODIP provide group support and skills that help children by reducing their sense of isolation, clarifying misconceptions, and teaching them how to communicate better with their parents, problem solve and develop other important life skills that are particularly important in times of uncertainty and change. The benefits of this child-focused program are being replicated in countries worldwide.
Using creative approaches such as puppet play and therapeutic games, this program was tailored to the cultural and developmental characteristics of young Dutch children and has shown positive results in replication studies.
Results of the program in both countries show that children learned social and emotional skills to help them disengage from parent conflict, and correct misconceptions. Children in both programs report that the group was a safe space for them to share feelings and provided the supportive comfort of knowing they were not alone with their experiences. They help parents understand that what they do matters greatly in shaping outcomes for children after divorce and encourage them to reframe their relationship into a respectful, business-like partnership for parenting.
These sessions provide positive, empowering messages to parents, emphasizing what they can control, educating them about the benefits of containing conflict and collaborating when it is safe to do so, and teaching the powerful protective practices of quality parenting, with warmth and limits.
Research on in-depth interventions for parents shows better mental health outcomes for children six years after parents participated, compared with those whose parents did not participate in such a program.
Beyond these six research areas, much has been established about how parents can help children weather divorce and the series of changes that it initiates — more than can be included in a brief article. These are among the additional areas that have a positive impact on children:.
More research is needed on the subject of parenting plans. In particular, it is important to learn how to address the needs of children of different ages, especially infants and preschool children, most effectively.
Whether it is best for infants and toddlers to spend all their nights in one home or to share the overnight time between homes and parents is yet to be decisively determined.
Likewise, more research is needed to develop and evaluate effective interventions for parents entrenched in high conflict and appropriate parenting plans for children in high-conflict families. Studies designed to understand what types of interventions are most effective and tailored to specific populations and problems will certainly add important knowledge.
Since divorce is so prevalent worldwide, it is critical to understand its impact on children and to establish ways to protect them from its potentially damaging effects. Fortunately, a sizeable body of research in multiple areas surrounding divorce and parenting has already yielded considerable information. We know how divorce impacts children in the short and long term.
We know the major risk and protective factors that predict how they fare. Effective parenting encompassing both warmth and discipline, developing positive parent-child relationships and managing conflict are the three most important factors in protecting children.
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